There's a tote bag on the doorknob of my closet full of clothes The last thing I wore when I last held ya, I just can't bring myself to wash Ever since you left there's things I haven't dared to touch Cause that'll mean you're really gone and I loved you so fuckin much We were driving home without you and I looked up at the moon It was a golden tilted crescent, when I saw it I saw you Through relationships and breakups you were there for every one And when something didn't work out I was never alone When I adopted you at 19 I figured in 10-15 years You'd be the old man in my house I'd share with a partner and some kids But now I'm turning 30 in a studio apartment Haven't started my own family and you my friend are gone I'm not sure I want to be a mother and I don't have a partner But I have a lot of best friends, so it really could be worse Your death has me reflecting on where I thought I'd be And how I couldn't protect you, but I'm so glad you're at peace The clothes I wore when I last held ya, I haven't brought myself to wash I cried so hard when I left you I loved you so fuckin much

Covid you've got my voice so low Got a fever of a hundred and I'm movin slow Shouldn't have gone out two steppin Now I'm stuck inside until August first Covid you've got my voice so low Got a fever of a hundred and I'm movin slow

First frost it was last June I wasn't ready with my boots I only had my running shoes Did Winter hit you that hard too? Didn't see it at 22 Monster in our shared gene pool Stranger used to share my room Pickin up garbage on 5th avenue White out weather couldn't see Snow kept fallin to my knees Never felt so cold in 90 degrees I'm lookin for a sign of Spring Got a few things waiting for you Matching bracelets and a panicked mood Wasn't sure you would come through Showed up with plastic champagne flutes Zip-ties where there once was lace Parking ramp cigarettes to help the wait Wasn't sure you would be okay Caught a glimpse of you that eve Conversations over Mac and Cheese Who do I turn to in this scene? Got me tossin in my sleep Found an escape on a hot July day Distractions from a close-knit gang Not sure how much tequila I drank Campfire comfort on a river bank Poured out ashes in the lake Recording of Amazing Grace Melancholy tourists getting in the way Fresh water filling up with salty waves Wish you didn't have to leave Sobbing in my car to Dancing Queen Connected in a memory Hope to see a sign of you this Spring There's no goodbye You always planted things that bloom twice We'll see her put up a fight and come back to me

Alarm goes off and I’m up with the sun Wish I was asleep or on my way to have some fun There’s a bunch of stuff around my house I could get done I know I’m being whiny and I’m not the only one Forty hours is too many to Be at a place you Don’t want to be Can we at least do a four day work week? I want to quit my job I want to quit my job Don’t wanna join a meeting where we talk about my goals This isn’t what I want to do while I am growing old You’re paying me for labor but you’re chipping at my soul Say you care about employees but I think it’s all for show If universal income was a thing we’d all be Living with less anxiety Struggle in the name of greed I want to quit my job I want to quit my job I want to quit my job I want to quit my job

Just so you know when you approach 30 You’ll still be figuring all of this out There’s so many ways to exist in this world You don’t have to do it like anybody else Even if your identity isn’t as loud You know who you are you can trust yourself You’ll even be surprised to find There’s some rigidity to the counterculture side But when you find your people it’ll all feel right They’ll be patient and honest and kind And you’ll be able to talk to them about Things you never felt comfortable telling anyone else You are doing it You are doing it You are doing it right If you’re happy with the art you make And the things that you do and the way that you are It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks Keep your head in the clouds and your eyes fixed on the stars And the things that you like are valid interests You don’t have to call it a guilty pleasure And you can do the things you think you can’t Even if it doesn’t always go as planned And it doesn’t matter who approves Even the people you always thought were cooler than you And sometimes everything feels tough But by being alive you’re more than enough You are doing it You are doing it You are doing it right You are doing it You are doing it You are doing it right

Please don't fuck with my friends You're gonna have to answer to me They don't deserve to have their good hearts twisted Up in your dirty-ass sheets My friends are good people They would never do this to you It wouldn't take much for you To be a decent human being too You're gonna regret it Don't worry I'll leave you alone But when my friends are off doing great things You'll remember this when you're all alone

Have I always been a fool? Believed in my own lie Told myself it didn’t hurt Told myself that it was fine The sweetness we exchanged And the tender words we write Left it for California Gonna build a whole new life But this is good, we’re all good This is good, we’re all good This is good, we’re all good Every time I thought Maybe if I hadn’t cried Or if something different happened Would we see another light? The news took my breath away Asked what she’s like anyway These are things I don’t want to know If you asked I would’ve stayed But this is good, we’re all good This is good, we’re all good This is good, we’re all good The wave it leaves the shore Cloud passes through the sky If someone could make you happy Why couldn’t I, why couldn’t I?

Growing up they were my best friends I never knew how rare that was One call and the yard was filled with everyone Even the ones who were never home Let us climb their trees and pick the apples in autumn I can't remember the ones in the campus apartments We never became friends with them because it felt like we were so close Two twin beds to a room, I never felt the need to be more social Then it was a duplex with my sister and our friend And the guys downstairs and the couple next door with the kids One time he knocked on the door Said "your car mirror was in the road, A guy on a bike hit it and angrily ripped it off" I can't remember having many questions about that I probably should've had a few questions about that Moved a couple blocks away with a friend And our neighbors really scared me They were always yelling and one time I heard one of them mention that he had a taser From my window on the second floor But one time my roommate was on a run When she passed their house flames were pouring out And she called 911 No one was hurt and the next day they gave us flowers And we never had any trouble with them again On the other side of the duplex was a couple who studied horticulture They made a big garden and let us take whatever vegetables we wanted But when they moved they insisted I still had one of their bowls they brought vegetables over in I didn't have their fucking bowl The next one was a woman named Claire Who coincidentally ended up in the next two buildings I moved into She was nice, and I never had any trouble from her The next time I lived alone, the man next door was a professional at pool And he was always leaving the apartment with his set of cues He told me he would take trips to Vegas to compete And I found that fascinating Then in Saint Paul there was a guy next door who was a musician In the townhouse, always having the loudest sex He was fine for the most part, but sometimes things were tense Between him and my friend And then I left In my first spot in New Mexico There were so many wonderful people on our block I loved to see them all when I took my daily pandemic walks And then it was a sweet woman who lived downstairs Another apartment, a fourplex And the only time she got upset was when I was doing laundry after 10 But I didn't realize anyone enforced that The casita I lived in after that was tucked behind a house Where my landlord's daughter and her dog lived They were nice as hell and they even gave me some plants And when I'd go out of town she'd check in on my cat Trying to figure out the current lay of the land In this 5-unit complex The guy next next door is a bartender at a spot downtown He said his name is Climber And the woman in the back plays music loud But when it comes to that we have an agreement Then there's a caterer too who tried to ask me out And I told him I wasn't available for that I wasn't available for that And those are all the neighbors that I've had

Split like fire in the wind Thought it was nothing Out of range and off of skin Always had your number Would it be summer without you? I never knew, I never knew Something bout the way it all takes shape I start running To the eye of a hurricane Was it a long time coming? If there was no grey could I grasp the blue? I never knew, I never knew

It had been about 7 years since I last saw him Sold me a bag of weed in uptown On Tuesday at a stoplight, I wanted to cry Opened Instagram and learned that he had died Called my sister and asked if she was sitting down She told me that's what she had called me earlier about Said he was found in the bathtub in his house It was before I had even gotten home I don't know why it felt so profound I was teary the rest of the day Remembering the time in my life when I would see him around town I don't know why some grief comes with guilt When someone dies you didn't know that well I racked my brain for things I knew about him One Fourth of July a bunch of us watched the fireworks In his apartment across from Surdyk's One of the times I felt like one of the cool kids There was the time he was Scarface for Halloween He would always say what everyone was thinking Somethin about him reminded me of a puppy dog In every memory I have he's holding a soccer ball He was probably at the party where I first tried blow He was goofy and knowingly the butt of every joke But I didn't really know him that well I'm a thousand miles away from where we knew each other But I had a breakdown over his death still Yeah I had a breakdown over his death still

Make the bed, coffee brewed Not the way that you would do Laundromat, grocery store You’re in the perimeter Tie my shoes, on a run Wonder if you’ll see this one I know that you’re far away But you cross my mind most days Hope you’re doing well I think of you often Send my demos to a friend they don’t say what you would’ve said You preferred just my guitar to versions with the synthesizer Do you still write everyday, or work the job you seemed to hate? I wonder if you wonder too or miss the things we used to do Let’s catch up sometime I think of you often Think of you when I’m in town want to let you know when I’m around But I want to do what’s best, give both of our hearts a rest There are days it feels hard, roses still on my dashboard I’m sorry that I made it end, I was all break and no bend I wish we were still friends I think of you often I think of you often

Wasting time, playing a game I learned I didn’t like Never thought I was great with words but I tell myself it’s always good to try You tell me I’ve stayed the same even though I tell you otherwise I was such a different person last time I was such a different person last time Lost ourselves on three-two beer on a Sunday, it was all we could buy Burnt through cash post-tax return couldn’t get my mind off the flight Innocence won’t break the chain, who knew there was this much more to find? I was such a different person last time I was such a different person last time